What I Really Meant to Say
by randi2204
Summary: A song-fic to the song "What I Really Meant to Say". This one is kind of sad. Please read and review!


What I Really Meant to Say

What I Really Meant to Say

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne. (If I did, you can bet I wouldn't have let it end like it did!) I also don't own the song "What I Really Meant to Say". Cyndi Thomson (or Thompson- I've seen it both ways, but I think the first way is correct) does, as she sings it. 

What I Really Meant to Say

It had been nearly four years. Four years since the pillar of light had lifted her away, had torn her from his arms. With every passing day, Hitomi wondered if it was the right decision. Every day, she came away believing more strongly that it wasn't.

She sat on the beach, watching the waves roll in. The sun was setting in a blaze of golds and reds and purples. Far off, it looked like a storm might be coming on. The late summer night was cool, reminding her of the coming autumn. She sighed and buried her face against her knees. She wasn't sure she wanted to go back to college for another year. She wasn't sure of much anymore, it often seemed to her. There were only two things she knew: that she wanted to return to Gaea to be with him, and that it was impossible. She shivered and raised her head.

She often saw him, when she was alone like this. She'd turn her head, and there he'd be, standing next to her, giving her his little boy's smile, reaching out as if to touch her hand.

Like now.

_

-It took me by surprise 
-When I saw you standing there 
-Close enough to touch 
-Breathing the same air 
-You asked me how I'd been 
-I guess that's when I smiled and said "Just fine" 
-Oh, but baby, I was lying 
_She sometimes admitted to him that she missed him, but she knew that her loneliness only increased his sadness. She couldn't stand the hurt look in his beautiful eyes when she did. She would say that she was all right, instead.
He didn't seem to believe her tonight. Small wonder- she'd missed him terribly today, having spent the day with Yukari and Amano, planning their wedding. How she wished that he was really there with her. How she longed to rest her head on his shoulder. 
_-What I really meant to say 
-Is I'm dying here inside 
-And I miss you more each day 
-There's not a night I haven't cried 
-And baby here's the truth 
-I'm still in love with you 
-That's what I really meant to say 
_
He shook his head, midnight hair falling into his eyes. His mouth moved, but there was no sound. She could feel what he meant though. Why are you so unhappy? What's wrong? Still looking at him, as he sat down next to her, she rested her cheek on her knee. Each time they touched like this, he got more handsome. She loved looking at him, and hated to cause him any pain. Why admit that his absence in her life was what was tearing her apart? She tried to smile, and said, "Nothing . . . now." She closed her eyes against the threatening tears.
_-And as you walked away 
-The echo of my words 
-Cut just like a knife 
-Cut so deep it hurts 
-I held on to the tears 
-Held on to my pride and watched you go 
-I wonder if you'll ever know 
_She knew that when she opened them again, he'd be gone. These visits never lasted very long. She felt that even if she could spend a lifetime with him, it wouldn't be long enough. Tears started leaking out beneath her closed eyelids, as she imagined him still there with her. Next time, she vowed. Next time, I'll tell him . . .
_-What I really meant to say 
-Is I'm dying here inside 
-And I miss you more each day 
-There's not a night I haven't cried 
-And baby here's the truth 
-I'm still in love with you 
-That's what I really meant to say 
_If she wished hard enough, would she still see him when she opened her eyes? "Please, Van," she whispered. "Please, come and get me . . ."
_-What I really meant to say 
-Is I'm really not that strong 
-No matter how I try 
-I'm still holding on- 
-And here's the honest truth 
-I'm still in love with you 
-That's what I really meant to say 
_She opened her eyes. There was no column of light, there was no Van next to her. She curled up on her side, heedless of the sand creeping into her clothes. It was just too hard to bear, and she started crying in earnest, as her heart ached. Between her sobs, she managed to gasp out, "Please, Van- I love you . . . "
_-That's what I really meant to say . . . 
_Far off, there was a rumble of thunder, a flash of lightning.
_-That's what I really meant to say. 
_


End file.
